DIG DEEP

Life....it's been a tough one. Pulu and I have been married going on 11yrs in Feb. We will have been married in the temple 4yrs. When I think back to where we were and where we are now...I think gosh we've really come far spiritually. BUUUUT I am a woman of doubt. I constantly struggle with having faith! It's one of those things where I have it, or I don't at all. I dislike feeling this way and I try so hard to keep the faith. I am so hard on myself. Just this past year I have literally DUG INTO ME! If any of you have done this, and have overcome it, KUDOS & BRAVO! I'm still inside of me, and it's a hard place to be at the moment. I feel as tho ME has been on the back burner for a while. I feel changed, I feel broken, I feel resentment, I feel fat, I feel confused, I feel stronger, I feel impatient, I feel anxious! I am not miserable...but I do feel these things within me. So I have been dealing with these things and praying to my Heavenly Father to help me along this road called LIFE. While all these feelings are going on, there's one thing I never ever not feel and that's the love that my Savior gives to me when I feel like this. I really give it up to this man! He has never left my side, he has never judged me, he has been there for me when NO ONE ELSE WAS. I am so grateful to have this gospel, because I think often times if I didn't believe in Jesus Christ, where would I be? What would I feel? And who would I turn to? It's a scary thought actually. So one thing I know about me, is that I am in a place in my life right now where I need to have a tune-up! I was talking to my bishop last night about why I am the way I am, and how I got here. You know what he said to me? He said,  I understand, but you need to try to move forward. I sat there in desperation and said "I don't know how?" (in tears). He said How can Pulu help you? I said, I don't know if he can, it's my issue..and I'm trying to overcome this. Then a whisper (Holy Ghost) PRAY! GO TO THE TEMPLE!  I know that my Heavenly Father knows me by name, I know that he wants me to map out and plan my life, so that we can have peace in our home. I know that "Faith without Works is dead." I am digging into me, and I am getting out of this hole I have put myself into. I want to tell my husband that I know I am hard to deal with. I know that he is trying, and I truly do love him. He has stood by  my side, and has been so quiet with his own thoughts and feelings, because he's always trying to deal with mine! He is a great person, and I know he LOVES me very much. I am sorry that I think temporally a lot of the time when he's with me...but I know spiritual growth is all that matters on this earth. I am praying, and striving to be better. In hopes for a better day, a better me, a better us, a better LIFE.